i sat on jake gyllenhaal's face and disturbing discussions with nine year-old boys

My life is sadder now than it was two months ago. Which I must say is a feat seeing as two months ago all I did was go to school, go to work, go to the movies and occasionally go out with friends. Now, upon graduating the number of friends still around has greatly decreased, I don't go to as many movies, I obviously don't go to class any more and I spend most of my time with the 9 year-old boys I take care of. The kids are great, but the longer I know them, the more comfortable they become with me and the more disturbed I become.

Case and point, I was watching two best friends, Nate and Jack one night while their parents went to a fundraiser. We are playing Monopoly. Jack and I have to constantly remind Nate when to go because he has been hypnotized by the tv. We're in the middle of the game, reminding Nate, yet again, that it is his turn and he should hurry.

"Nathan," Jack says in his slow, monotone voice, "It's your turn."

"I know, I know," Nathan replies, still staring at the tv screen.

"Then go!"

"I can't help, it I love the tv. I have to watch it."

"Well, if you love it so much, maybe you should marry it." This is the phrase that comes spewing from my mouth. Typical kid-speak.

The boy's giggle and then Nate goes on, "But if I marry the tv, how will I have children?"

"You would have sex with it," Jackson replies nonchalantly. Now the "to weird to talk about with a babysitter" alarm is going off in my head. Or maybe this is too weird to talk about with anybody.

"Those would be weird babies." Laughing.

"They would have tv heads and people bodies." More laughing.

"But wait," Nate stops to think, "I couldn't have sex with the tv. Because there's no hole."

I freak out, which just cause them to laugh harder, and then close the subject. Sure, I knew about sex with I was nine. My father checked out this cartoon from the video store when I was seven that explained the whole process to me. Cute little sperm in a top hat and tails dancing with an evening gown-clad egg. Hell, I remember being in third grade and there being a rumor that a student had sex in our elementary school library. But I would never, and I mean never, talk about it with anyone who wasn't my age. Especially my babysitter. That would be weird.

But apparently not weird for these kids. Shortly after I began to take care of Nate, he informed me that I had "big ones." I thought it was a one time thing, said to see the reaction he could get from me. But then a few weeks ago, Will, one of Nate's friends, informed us that the real meaning of the Outkast verse "I just want you in my caddy" was about having sex in the back of a car. Nathan then started to ask me about sex in certain movies. And then, the tv incident, followed by a weird conversation he, Jack and I had, which had originally started out with me talking about how much I liked Super Mario games and digressed into if I would marry and have children with Mario and Luigi if they were real.

All this leading up to the day that I sat on Jake Gyllenhaal's face.

We had planned to have a large water fight since it was summer and there was nothing better to do. Knowing that I would get soaked, I brought my sweats and a thick t-shirt for maximum coverage. Best not to take chances since the kids had been acting so weird lately. To make a long story short, Will said he could see where my bra was and I decided to zip my jacket up and dry. As I walked down the stairs, covered with puddles of water, I fell and broke my toe.

I'm injured, so we pack everything up, go inside and change. Nate's mother, who works out of her office at home, advises me to soak my foot in a pot of ice water for the swelling. I get the kids snacks and they start to play PS2. I make my way to the back room to watch them, sit down, and soak my foot. I place the pot down and plop onto the couch.

"I think you sat on that guy's face," Nate says.

"What?!" I'm thinking the worst.

Nate repeats himself. 'You sat on that guy's face."

I'm really confused now. "What do you mean by that, Nate?'"

Throwing his hands up in the air, he slides behind Jack and Will who are playing Lord of the Rings. He reaches underneath me and yanks out the GQ I bought with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover.

"You were sitting on this guy." Nate hands me the magazine.

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Ohhhh." Thank God I had it wrong. I open the mag and begin to read. Nate retreats to his spot, sits down and then looks over at me.

"Why? What did you think I meant?"